How can I help?

one answer to the question I'm getting most often after an autism diagnosis

Did you known autism is in the news? Did you know I was recently diagnosed? It is. I was.

The question I’m asked most often as I’ve started talking to people is “How can I help?” Some people are really curious and mean it. Others, many of whom don’t care all that much, ask because they know that “How can I help?” is what a person is supposed to say after someone shares medical news of any sort.

This post is directed at people who genuinely care.

What I’m about to share isn’t the most meaningful thing a person can do. It’s not the least meaningful. It’s just the one I have some words for at the moment.

Here’s one thing you could do if you’re asking this question to an autistic person who really cares about you and who you also care about: Try to understand that many autistic people, especially the ones who love you a lot, might want different things out of a relationship than almost anyone else you know.

They might love and care for you very much. You might be one of their best friends.

They might not want to hang out nearly as often as you want to. They might be ok with hanging out every few months. Maybe more, maybe less. If they’re in times of high stress or are in a period of their life where they’re very overwhelmed, they might not want to spend time with you nearly as much as they do when things are going pretty well. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re burnt out or depressed.

Looking back on my life, there are a lot (TONS) of friendships that fell through the cracks because the other person thought I didn’t want to be friends with them. Their thought was reasonable. Most people, especially in youth, want to hang out with the people they care about, and they want to hang out all the time. And when they constantly hear that a person they care about doesn’t want to spend time together, they interpret that as rejection. I understand that reaction now; I didn’t understand it when I was an adolescent.

I didn’t know I had autism when I was younger, but I absolutely knew I was hurting some feelings when I didn’t want to go to someone’s house or have a sleepover. Or when I did want to go to someone’s house, but I also knew that their house would be overwhelming to me, and that I wouldn’t be able to be myself in their space, so I said I couldn’t. Or when, despite those concerns, I chose to hang out and needed to leave early or had a mini-meltdown because it was too much (conversation, lights, sounds, I wore the wrong clothes, etc.).

So, that’s something you can do. Understand that they still love you even if their definition of “good relationship” is different from yours. Not a particularly profound thought. Just something that has been on my mind.

Again, I’m not an expert in autism. And what’s true for one person with autism might not be true with another.

P.S. Shout out to my brother, who has been intuitively good at this his whole life.